I'm thinking about ending my life. I know I can get away with it this time because no one cares about me. My pain is invisible and it always has been because the people in my life only care about themselves and don't stop to think how their selfish actions impact other people. I cry my heart out and noone is there to comfort me or make me feel better. No one puts their arm around me. All I get is bashed for crying and being weak. Told to grow up and get over myself. All that does is reinforce my self destructive feelings and push me closer to suicide. Assholes like that are not helping people like me at all. They are responsible for pushing us over the edge. How fucking stupid can people be?
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. My mistake was in fighting to prove I do belong only to end up right back here feeling lonely and unwanted. If I swallowed a bottle of pills right now my husband would wake up to find himself a widower. I could get away with it this time because he would not wake up until it was too late. My death would make a lot of people very happy. Including me.
It's the only way I can have peace in my life and stop this pain.
I cannot feel anything right now. I am so dead inside. I'm disillusioned and I'm tired of fighting these demons my mother gave me. I'm tired of being angry and hating the world for treating me so badly. For lying to me and making an ass out of me just because I am different and I chose to see the positive side of life before I give in to haters. I'm sick of people that don't know me passing judgement on my because lies told by those who sought to destroy me.
I'm tired of being bled dry emotionally by users and those who have no clue what real love is. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder wondering when the next bomb will drop on me. The world is right. I am a joke. I am worthless and a loser. I will never fit in. I have no friends. People just use me, abuse me and then walk away and ignore me until they want something again.
I have no value to anyone. I know that. I have finally accepted that no one will ever give a damn about me because that's what I have been brainwashed to attract into my life. I am a fool for fighting this. It's permanent because the bitch got me when I was a baby. What could a child ever do to make a parent want to harm them or see them dead, or destroyed?
It doesn't matter how my brothers or parents will feel about my death. I am sure they will be very happy to find out I am gone for good. I have no relationship with my grandchildren and my kids don't trust me not to hurt them so I am sure my death will relieve any pressure there. Rachele is off on her big adventure in the rich man's world and she treats me like dirt now. I don't like being reminded that I am stupid. I'm tired of fighting that too, I think it's time to accept the truth and end my life now so I don't have to suffer any more. It's the only way to make the pain stop. I will never be free of abusive people until I am dead. That is the only way I can have peace. I've known that all my life. I hate myself and I cannot accept who I am. I am tired of fighting it and I can't runaway anymore. I'm a loser and a fool just like my mother said I was. I'm never going to be rich because I will always attract dream stealers like my mother to make sure I never rise above my birthright. There is no reason for me to live anymore. I have no purpose left in life. I'm stuck in a marriage I hate. Nothing is going right for me. I work my ass off only to find out I've wasted my time. No one respects me no matter how hard I try. It's time to accept the truth about myself and put an end to this joke of a life once and for all. I'm never going to succeed at anything because I am brainwashed to fuck it up and fail. So why bother.
My marriage is a farce. My husband is no better than my mother or brothers. The only time he wants to spend time with me is when he wants something. Its never for no reason. There's always an agenda like, sex or dinner company. Other than that I have been living like a single woman my entire marriage because my husband has little time for me. I can't trust him. He lies like a fucking sociopath and he fucks around on me. I don't want to be married to that. I hate living in a world I can't trust. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in wishing someone would love me for real. Settling for the scraps and being treated like a joke. Being blown off like a worthless piece of shit. Getting bashed for caring about my loved ones. I'm sick of it all. The world is morally bankrupt anyway and I don't want to live in it. There is only one place for someone like me. The grave.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Narcissistic Parenting Exposed From the Inside.
"I apologize for turning others against you and pitting you against your siblings. Lodged in a competitive world view, my reality was divided into territories- threats and protections, enemies and friends, them and us. The demons of duality- ne’er the twain shall meet. Through this fearful lens, differences were equated with threats to survival rather than opportunities for learning. Like snorting animals on the prowl, if you didn’t behave like us, you were the enemy. Because you were so different from the rest of us, I identified you as an enemy."
Words I needed to hear many years ago but I knew I wouldn't and now it's too late. I lost hope and got on with my life. All I have left to say to you Dianne is thank you for alienating me all those years. Thank you for the neglect, bastardizing me to my own children, destroying my family, trying to kill my youngest child. Your abusive attempts to beat me into submission and alienating me for being the nonconformist Each attack brought out the warrior in me and all of your neglect and abuse made me self sufficient, independent of all of you and very self reliant. You always bragged that you raised us to be survivors. You were wrong. You beat us all down and stole our dreams to feed your own selfish needs at our expense. You forced me out because you saw my empathy and compassion as a threat to you. You bastardized me for 25 years to hide the truth about how you stole..yeah I said STOLE MY CHILDREN. You betrayed my trust when I needed you most. You promised to help me keep my family together and then kept us apart so you could brainwash my kids into thinking I did not love them when you knew the whole time that was a god damned lie. You poisoned everyone's mind against me and made everyone think I was the selfish monster when all along the only monster was you. You are a covert narcissists that will never step up and take responsibility for your actions. I can accept that. You are a coward that hides behind others and pushed hot buttons so others do your dirty work.
When I speak out against you pull the sympathy card to manipulate everyone into believing that I am the bastard not you. You say you love...........You haven't got a clue what that word means. You weaponize your love and affection as easily as you lie and betray those who trust you. You weaponize your own children as easily as you weaponize your grandchildren. In the light you claim to want peace in your family. In the shadows your push hot buttons and fuel the anger that keeps everyone at odds with each other. I can't tell you how thankful I am not to be like any of you. I walked out on your cult because I got tired of being abused for being different, for being stronger than any of you, for thinking for myself.
With the help of some very compassionate outsiders I raised myself. I rose above the cult you call a family and I got out before any of you could destroy the only child I have left. You hate me because I spotted the emotional black hole inside of you and chose a different path in life. I am who I am inspite of all your efforts to destroy me and turn me into another one of your enablers.
I may be your scapegoat and your blacksheep. I might be the loser in your cult. but I am a winner in my world. I am also the ONLY one who would have taken care of you in your old age HAD you been smart enough to nurture my dreams and goals like a REAL mother, instead of trying to take them away from me. Now I am old enough to see you are right where you belong and I am not responsible for your problems or anything that goes wrong in your life or anyone else's. I am not the ugly stupid girl you raised me to believe I was.
I may be full of anger now but that is all part of the healing process that will one day make me free of you and your destructive cult forever.I am happy being the outsider, the black sheep and the loser in your family. I am a winner in my own family and I have the love and support you refused me all my life. I am free and there is not a damned thing you can do to take that away from me.
The days of you and your brainwashed haters taking away my happiness and everyone/ thing that causes it are over. I stopped asking the question, "What kind of parent does the despicable things to their children that you have done to me and continue to do to your grandchildren?"
I know the answer and I am beyond the need for your apology and admission of guilt. I don't need anything from you. The damage you have done to your own family, my mind and my health is repulsive to me.
I am sure if you were to ever read this blog your first reaction would be to play the sympathy card and rally the troops to do your dirty work. Same games same suckers, different day. [[[ YAWN]]]
Words I needed to hear many years ago but I knew I wouldn't and now it's too late. I lost hope and got on with my life. All I have left to say to you Dianne is thank you for alienating me all those years. Thank you for the neglect, bastardizing me to my own children, destroying my family, trying to kill my youngest child. Your abusive attempts to beat me into submission and alienating me for being the nonconformist Each attack brought out the warrior in me and all of your neglect and abuse made me self sufficient, independent of all of you and very self reliant. You always bragged that you raised us to be survivors. You were wrong. You beat us all down and stole our dreams to feed your own selfish needs at our expense. You forced me out because you saw my empathy and compassion as a threat to you. You bastardized me for 25 years to hide the truth about how you stole..yeah I said STOLE MY CHILDREN. You betrayed my trust when I needed you most. You promised to help me keep my family together and then kept us apart so you could brainwash my kids into thinking I did not love them when you knew the whole time that was a god damned lie. You poisoned everyone's mind against me and made everyone think I was the selfish monster when all along the only monster was you. You are a covert narcissists that will never step up and take responsibility for your actions. I can accept that. You are a coward that hides behind others and pushed hot buttons so others do your dirty work.
When I speak out against you pull the sympathy card to manipulate everyone into believing that I am the bastard not you. You say you love...........You haven't got a clue what that word means. You weaponize your love and affection as easily as you lie and betray those who trust you. You weaponize your own children as easily as you weaponize your grandchildren. In the light you claim to want peace in your family. In the shadows your push hot buttons and fuel the anger that keeps everyone at odds with each other. I can't tell you how thankful I am not to be like any of you. I walked out on your cult because I got tired of being abused for being different, for being stronger than any of you, for thinking for myself.
With the help of some very compassionate outsiders I raised myself. I rose above the cult you call a family and I got out before any of you could destroy the only child I have left. You hate me because I spotted the emotional black hole inside of you and chose a different path in life. I am who I am inspite of all your efforts to destroy me and turn me into another one of your enablers.
I may be your scapegoat and your blacksheep. I might be the loser in your cult. but I am a winner in my world. I am also the ONLY one who would have taken care of you in your old age HAD you been smart enough to nurture my dreams and goals like a REAL mother, instead of trying to take them away from me. Now I am old enough to see you are right where you belong and I am not responsible for your problems or anything that goes wrong in your life or anyone else's. I am not the ugly stupid girl you raised me to believe I was.
I may be full of anger now but that is all part of the healing process that will one day make me free of you and your destructive cult forever.I am happy being the outsider, the black sheep and the loser in your family. I am a winner in my own family and I have the love and support you refused me all my life. I am free and there is not a damned thing you can do to take that away from me.
The days of you and your brainwashed haters taking away my happiness and everyone/ thing that causes it are over. I stopped asking the question, "What kind of parent does the despicable things to their children that you have done to me and continue to do to your grandchildren?"
I know the answer and I am beyond the need for your apology and admission of guilt. I don't need anything from you. The damage you have done to your own family, my mind and my health is repulsive to me.
I am sure if you were to ever read this blog your first reaction would be to play the sympathy card and rally the troops to do your dirty work. Same games same suckers, different day. [[[ YAWN]]]
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