I'm thinking about ending my life. I know I can get away with it this time because no one cares about me. My pain is invisible and it always has been because the people in my life only care about themselves and don't stop to think how their selfish actions impact other people. I cry my heart out and noone is there to comfort me or make me feel better. No one puts their arm around me. All I get is bashed for crying and being weak. Told to grow up and get over myself. All that does is reinforce my self destructive feelings and push me closer to suicide. Assholes like that are not helping people like me at all. They are responsible for pushing us over the edge. How fucking stupid can people be?
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. My mistake was in fighting to prove I do belong only to end up right back here feeling lonely and unwanted. If I swallowed a bottle of pills right now my husband would wake up to find himself a widower. I could get away with it this time because he would not wake up until it was too late. My death would make a lot of people very happy. Including me.
It's the only way I can have peace in my life and stop this pain.
I cannot feel anything right now. I am so dead inside. I'm disillusioned and I'm tired of fighting these demons my mother gave me. I'm tired of being angry and hating the world for treating me so badly. For lying to me and making an ass out of me just because I am different and I chose to see the positive side of life before I give in to haters. I'm sick of people that don't know me passing judgement on my because lies told by those who sought to destroy me.
I'm tired of being bled dry emotionally by users and those who have no clue what real love is. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder wondering when the next bomb will drop on me. The world is right. I am a joke. I am worthless and a loser. I will never fit in. I have no friends. People just use me, abuse me and then walk away and ignore me until they want something again.
I have no value to anyone. I know that. I have finally accepted that no one will ever give a damn about me because that's what I have been brainwashed to attract into my life. I am a fool for fighting this. It's permanent because the bitch got me when I was a baby. What could a child ever do to make a parent want to harm them or see them dead, or destroyed?
It doesn't matter how my brothers or parents will feel about my death. I am sure they will be very happy to find out I am gone for good. I have no relationship with my grandchildren and my kids don't trust me not to hurt them so I am sure my death will relieve any pressure there. Rachele is off on her big adventure in the rich man's world and she treats me like dirt now. I don't like being reminded that I am stupid. I'm tired of fighting that too, I think it's time to accept the truth and end my life now so I don't have to suffer any more. It's the only way to make the pain stop. I will never be free of abusive people until I am dead. That is the only way I can have peace. I've known that all my life. I hate myself and I cannot accept who I am. I am tired of fighting it and I can't runaway anymore. I'm a loser and a fool just like my mother said I was. I'm never going to be rich because I will always attract dream stealers like my mother to make sure I never rise above my birthright. There is no reason for me to live anymore. I have no purpose left in life. I'm stuck in a marriage I hate. Nothing is going right for me. I work my ass off only to find out I've wasted my time. No one respects me no matter how hard I try. It's time to accept the truth about myself and put an end to this joke of a life once and for all. I'm never going to succeed at anything because I am brainwashed to fuck it up and fail. So why bother.
My marriage is a farce. My husband is no better than my mother or brothers. The only time he wants to spend time with me is when he wants something. Its never for no reason. There's always an agenda like, sex or dinner company. Other than that I have been living like a single woman my entire marriage because my husband has little time for me. I can't trust him. He lies like a fucking sociopath and he fucks around on me. I don't want to be married to that. I hate living in a world I can't trust. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in wishing someone would love me for real. Settling for the scraps and being treated like a joke. Being blown off like a worthless piece of shit. Getting bashed for caring about my loved ones. I'm sick of it all. The world is morally bankrupt anyway and I don't want to live in it. There is only one place for someone like me. The grave.
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