Thinking through the events that led me to where I am now I realized this is just how it goes when you have a narcissistic mother and you grow up love starved and brainwashed to hate yourself. My kids and my Grandmother were the only real source of unconditional love I ever had and I still screwed that up. Trusting my mother to help me keep my family together was the worst mistake I ever made and it has cost me dearly ever since. My grandmother never passed judgement on me when I got myself in trouble. She was always there to pick me and dust me off. She always made sure I knew I was loved. The only reason Dianne was able to destroy me is because I only got to see my grandmother on Sundays and we had to keep our mouths shut and behave so my parents looked like they were good parents.
We were seen and not heard. If I had never been told about the Children's Aide being a safe place for me to go and how to get there I would have ended up like my siblings. Being put in a foster home showed me that the way I was growing up was wrong and there was a better way to live. I wanted that for all of us but I was 8 years old and trying to rescue a bunch of lying self-hating narcissists that saw me as a threat to their secrets and fucked up lifestyle. Now they are jealous because I found a way to get out of the hell we were born into and I am living the better life that was shown to me in the foster home. How is it my fault that they stayed in their comfort zones and refused to take a chance on themselves?
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