Ashamed and more determined than ever.

Labor Day weekend 2016

I got ambushed after making the mistake of crying out for help to my husband. It was embarrassing when he tried to do an intervention with my daughter in a restaurant of all places. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt betrayed because he couldn’t talk to me privately and try to help me get out of the rabbit hole I am in. He did his usual and went behind my back talking to God knows who and making me feel like a total fool. Lesson Learned, "Don't ask an attention whore for help on private matters. It will end up all over the neighborhood. 

He told my daughter who had to drive nine hours for this stupid intervention. He hasn’t changed my mind I’m still going to do it. More now than ever after this weekend. This intervention or whatever the hell it was has convinced me I can’t trust anybody and I have nobody to talk to about myself. He thinks smothering me with affection and doing things that get on my nerves is going to change my mind. I hate the way he just throws money at every problem hoping foolishly that it will go away. Well this time it is going to go away and I'm going with it. 

 I let him think that everything is fine and he's off the hook because now I’m angrier than ever. I had to go public in front of my daughter’s boyfriend which made things even worse. The fact that they lied to me about why she was here made it worse. It’s all just trust issues and are not helping by lying and sneaking around talking about me behind my back. They said her boyfriend didn’t know the real reason why we were coming up here. I know my daughter and I know that is bull shit. I could tell by the way he was looking at me and his change in attitude toward me that he knew. I could feel it. That hurt because they took a private moment and made it public which made me feel like a total fool.

My husband didn’t have to tell anybody he chose to any made it worse because of that. Now I feel resentment toward him because of it. All they did was push me deeper down the rabbit hole. So here I sit being honest in a public blog where anybody can read my private thoughts. Everybody’s gone back to their lives and I continue to contemplate my death in secrecy. I hate the lies and games that are played in this family. I’m tired of being everybody’s scapegoat, the joke of the family, the idiot, the fool that always ends up being right in the long run but nobody admits it because her to proud to admit that they are smarter than a fool. So I put on my happy face like I always do and typed secretly when no one is around to plot my death and make sure that I get away with it this time. I have cried for help for the very last time. I will continue to cry deal with my feelings privately and on my own so no one can make me feel worse than I already do.

Dianne Pateman, the woman I grew up believing was my mother, is actually the cause of all of this. Narcissism and her covert destruction of her own family and my family to lead me down the rabbit hole so many times it means nothing to me anymore. Finally ready to accept that I will never get rid of all the negative brainwashing that she programmed into me as a child. I will never fulfill my childhood dream of being wealthy simply because I was born poor and like Dianne says, “poor girls don’t cross to the other side of the tracks.” While I proved Dianne wrong only to find out the people on this side of the tracks are just as abusive is what I walked away from. What I didn’t know was that you can run from the physical life with the brainwashing and the negative programming follows you forever. I’ve tried therapy to get it out of my head so I can have a better life. I worked hard to suppress it during the years that I was a mom so that I could be a good mom and my kids wouldn’t have to suffer like I do. One out of two is not bad. I don’t think I ever really expected to have anything in life because everything I had as a child was taken away from me and it made me happy. I’ve been wanting to commit suicide since I was 12 because I see no point in my life. I can’t seem to achieve my goals without somebody step in and the way to stop me and I’m tired of fighting it. One thing that meant everything to me what stop the poverty in my family improved the poor girls can be rich. Too bad I never learned how to do that. But it doesn’t matter anymore because like everything I’ve tried in life my life is an encyclopedia of how to fail at everything.

I hate small victories because they are so temporary and they remind me of what a loser I am. Small victories mean nothing to me because they lead nowhere. I hate the fact that I’m a magnet brass holes I have no friends and people in my life are only there did use me until I’ve got nothing left to give. That’s when the real assholes start kicking me when I’m down to reinforce what a minority feeling and drain my energy further. Some going to make a bucket list of the things I want to accomplish in two years. Nothing fantastic or amazing. Just small victories and meaningless tokens of my life to kill time before I kill me. After the embarrassment of this last weekend I have decided to keep my mouth shut about this and want my death in secret so no one can stop me. I give them what they want on the outside while I figure out how I’m going to end this on the inside. Only the note directing him to this blog so they can understand what happened and why. But nobody’s goodness stop me, not this time.