I'm still going to do this.

I sent a text to my husband last night. It was a last cry for help before I end my life. He got up this morning and acted like nothing was wrong. He blew off my cry for help. Didn't bother to ask if I was okay. Didn't try to talk to me or make me feel better like a caring and loving husband would. I'm not fortunate enough to have compassionate people in my life that love me unconditionally. I don't have any friends and I don't have anyone in my life that doesn't use me for something. My husband uses me as a sex object because the woman he really loves won't put out. So he married me for that job.
Maybe he thinks I'm just looking for attention and this is not serious. He's in for a serious shock when he finds my body and realizes I was dead serious and he ignored the warning signs. He's doing what he always does. He's avoiding the issues and protecting himself first. Everything is about him. It's so frustrating. I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to kill myself. I'm just waiting for the right time. I have to get my affairs in order before I end it.
I have no one to talk too. I can't say anything without being judged or criticized. So I keep to myself and go through the motions.
I have decided to hold off until my settlement comes in. Once I have made things right with the two kids I have left,  I can leave this earth. They're adults now. I am a stranger to my grandchildren because of my own mother. Family is the most important thing to me, but no one wants me in their family. So I have no one, and Dianne did this. Because of Dianne's lies, my kids have trust issues with me. Dianne and Sherri did this to us.

 I am going to walk out into the woods after I down some pills and just lay there and rot in nature so the animals can dispose of me. No service no expensive burial. no bullshit. I'm going out on my terms and this is how I want it to happen. Nature is the only one that has ever been kind to me so I want to become part of her in a very natural way.  I'm tired of the greed and the hate this world thrives on. I'm sick of beating my head against the wall trying to figure why people don't like me or why I don't fit in anywhere. I'm fed up with never fitting in or never being good enough. 

I will have to rehome my dogs to make sure they are well cared for. My husband is to selfish to know how to take care of my dogs.
My kids will be okay once the settlement money comes in. they don't need me.

Update: I got the last of my settlement money Dec 2019. I decided that happiness is going to be my revenge. Everyone who distanced themselves from me is going to have to double that distance once I accomplish my new goals. If money is all I am to them they are not going to like what I am about to do. The best part is none of them will ever be able to get their greedy little mitts on any of the money I plan to make. Fuck them all. I'm so much better than this.