Brainwashed to be invisible

Thinking through the events that led me to where I am now I realized this is just how it goes when you have a narcissistic mother and you grow up love starved and brainwashed to hate yourself. My kids and my Grandmother were the only real source of unconditional love I ever had and I still screwed that up. Trusting my mother to help me keep my family together was the worst mistake I ever made and it has cost me dearly ever since. My grandmother never passed judgement on me when I got myself in trouble. She was always there to pick me and dust me off. She always made sure I knew I was loved. The only reason Dianne was able to destroy me is because I only got to see my grandmother on Sundays and we had to keep our mouths shut and behave so my parents looked like they were good parents.
We were seen and not heard. If I had never been told about the Children's Aide being a safe place for me to go and how to get there I would have ended up like my siblings. Being put in a foster home showed me that the way I was growing up was wrong and there was a better way to live. I wanted that for all of us but I was 8 years old and trying to rescue a bunch of lying self-hating narcissists that saw me as a threat to their secrets and fucked up lifestyle. Now they are jealous because I found a way to get out of the hell we were born into and I am living the better life that was shown to me in the foster home. How is it my fault that they stayed in their comfort zones and refused to take a chance on themselves?

Sept 7, 2016

Albert,

Here is the world according to me. It’s not what you want to hear. None of your fictional characters exist here so I don’t expect you to understand, but Lord knows I am fed up talking to myself.

Here’s how it’s going to go. I have two years to wait until my settlement comes in. You’re hell bent on destroying yourself, so I’m not going to waste the money trying to save your life. I put my health on the line for nothing and I feel like a fool for doing that considering this has turned out just like everything else I have failed at, thanks to you.

No matter. I will use the money to pay for the disposal of my remains and give the rest to my kids so they are taken care of and you won’t have to waste your money on a divorce lawyer. You won’t have the shame of another failed marriage and you can continue to live in your fantasy world where no one knows the truth including you.  

I’ve spent the last twelve years trying to make you see me and who I really am. You chose to ignore me and play me for the fool that I am. You used me and threw me under the bus. You used emotional blackmail and scapegoating to get out of taking responsibility for your mistakes. I told you before we met in Montreal never break my trust. Don’t lie to me and don’t screw around on me because once you break the trust I will never be able to trust you ever again.

You have been breaking my trust from day one. You fucked around on me the very first day you met me. You continued to chase women for three years after that. You made plans to leave me at the alter to go fuck some woman you picked up on the internet. And you have the nerve to think we have a bond? You made me look like a gold digger in front of your lawyer when we went to his office to change the will. All I wanted was your ex-wife out of my life but you made sure the lawyer knew I was the gold digging bitch that forced you to change your will against your wishes and wants. That’s broken trust, emotional abuse / blackmail, scapegoating, throwing me under the bus. Not even one month later you made the decision to go behind my back and sell the house,  to your minor son for one dollar. WOW more emotional abuse that I don't deserve.  That's fine. I never wanted your damned house or any of your possessions, and I told you that more than once. I wanted you, but you're emotionally unavailable to me. You just don't get it do you? I wanted your heart and your respect, but you can't give me that because you respect Kris and your heart will always belong to her even if you can't admit that. She's from a wealthy family and you are a gold digger. I'm from a poor family so I deserve to be abused and punished for that? Fuck you.  I am nothing but a sex object to you. Kris won't put out so you used me for sex and married me to stop me from running away from you until you were done with me. It's as plain as the nose on your face. This marriage is a farce and everything I believed about you is a lie.
When I found out about your sneaking around, you made up a bull shit story that scapegoated the lawyer. I'm not sure who the stupid one on this is. You for thinking I would buy that load of bull shit or me for coming back after the first time you broke the trust. Little by little, every lie, every cheat, every game chips away at this marriage until there is nothing left. I’ve been telling you our marriage is in trouble for 5 years now. You chose to blow me off and continue on with your games, lies, etc. Now I am finally at the end of my rope and ready to end this marriage to make the shit stop. You have never kept one promise you’ve made to me. Not once in twelve years. That is not love. That is not respect. That is not friendship and that is not a marriage. I gave up everything to be with you. You gave up nothing. I should have known. It’s all games and lies and being a total phony. I have played this game longer than I can tolerate and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be married to a man I can't trust. My mission in life was to make sure the abuse and bull shit stopped at me. I don't see that happening as long as I am married. You have to go. Knowing the way you move in circles without changing a thing, suicide is my only way out of the marriage. You robbed me of my dream to be wealthy on my terms. and you kept me down financially so I couldn't leave. You didn't think I would be strong enough to end my life to end this marriage. Yes it's that bad. It's every reason why I had no plans to ever get married prior to meeting you. 

Unlike you I keep my word. If you ask my kids they will all tell you that I don’t make promises I can’t keep. I don’t break my word so when I say the words “I promise” you can take that to the bank. It’s going to happen. So you need to start looking for your new soul mate cuz this game is over. You broke your wedding vows to me but I am not going to break my vows to you. I said until death do we part and that’s exactly what will happen in two years.

You care about you. You always have. You care about your ego and how people see you. You are too shallow and superficial to understand why this is so important to me. Not once have you bothered to ask why I am doing this, how I got here, what you can do for me. Not once was that humiliating intervention of yours about me. I sat there and listed to you tell me how my actions would make you feel. It’s always about you. Even when our relationship has hit critical mass and the woman you claim to love so much is in crisis all you can talk about is your feelings and you. Wow. How can I not feel so loved and cared for? You’re all smoke and mirrors with no follow through no substance.

If you want to go to couples therapy then take this letter with you because after the way you ambushed me and used my pain to play Mr. wonderful to my daughter and Dan, yet again, you are not getting a second chance to rape me emotionally ever again.  If you had any respect for me, you would have known not to expose my pain like that in a public place. You treated my secret pain like it was a fucking drug addiction and threw a bunch of meaningless words at me hoping to make it all better. Next time bring a box of bandages. It's just as cold. 

I'm still going to do this.

I sent a text to my husband last night. It was a last cry for help before I end my life. He got up this morning and acted like nothing was wrong. He blew off my cry for help. Didn't bother to ask if I was okay. Didn't try to talk to me or make me feel better like a caring and loving husband would. I'm not fortunate enough to have compassionate people in my life that love me unconditionally. I don't have any friends and I don't have anyone in my life that doesn't use me for something. My husband uses me as a sex object because the woman he really loves won't put out. So he married me for that job.
Maybe he thinks I'm just looking for attention and this is not serious. He's in for a serious shock when he finds my body and realizes I was dead serious and he ignored the warning signs. He's doing what he always does. He's avoiding the issues and protecting himself first. Everything is about him. It's so frustrating. I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to kill myself. I'm just waiting for the right time. I have to get my affairs in order before I end it.
I have no one to talk too. I can't say anything without being judged or criticized. So I keep to myself and go through the motions.
I have decided to hold off until my settlement comes in. Once I have made things right with the two kids I have left,  I can leave this earth. They're adults now. I am a stranger to my grandchildren because of my own mother. Family is the most important thing to me, but no one wants me in their family. So I have no one, and Dianne did this. Because of Dianne's lies, my kids have trust issues with me. Dianne and Sherri did this to us.

 I am going to walk out into the woods after I down some pills and just lay there and rot in nature so the animals can dispose of me. No service no expensive burial. no bullshit. I'm going out on my terms and this is how I want it to happen. Nature is the only one that has ever been kind to me so I want to become part of her in a very natural way.  I'm tired of the greed and the hate this world thrives on. I'm sick of beating my head against the wall trying to figure why people don't like me or why I don't fit in anywhere. I'm fed up with never fitting in or never being good enough. 

I will have to rehome my dogs to make sure they are well cared for. My husband is to selfish to know how to take care of my dogs.
My kids will be okay once the settlement money comes in. they don't need me.

Update: I got the last of my settlement money Dec 2019. I decided that happiness is going to be my revenge. Everyone who distanced themselves from me is going to have to double that distance once I accomplish my new goals. If money is all I am to them they are not going to like what I am about to do. The best part is none of them will ever be able to get their greedy little mitts on any of the money I plan to make. Fuck them all. I'm so much better than this. 

Ashamed and more determined than ever.

Labor Day weekend 2016

I got ambushed after making the mistake of crying out for help to my husband. It was embarrassing when he tried to do an intervention with my daughter in a restaurant of all places. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt betrayed because he couldn’t talk to me privately and try to help me get out of the rabbit hole I am in. He did his usual and went behind my back talking to God knows who and making me feel like a total fool. Lesson Learned, "Don't ask an attention whore for help on private matters. It will end up all over the neighborhood. 

He told my daughter who had to drive nine hours for this stupid intervention. He hasn’t changed my mind I’m still going to do it. More now than ever after this weekend. This intervention or whatever the hell it was has convinced me I can’t trust anybody and I have nobody to talk to about myself. He thinks smothering me with affection and doing things that get on my nerves is going to change my mind. I hate the way he just throws money at every problem hoping foolishly that it will go away. Well this time it is going to go away and I'm going with it. 

 I let him think that everything is fine and he's off the hook because now I’m angrier than ever. I had to go public in front of my daughter’s boyfriend which made things even worse. The fact that they lied to me about why she was here made it worse. It’s all just trust issues and are not helping by lying and sneaking around talking about me behind my back. They said her boyfriend didn’t know the real reason why we were coming up here. I know my daughter and I know that is bull shit. I could tell by the way he was looking at me and his change in attitude toward me that he knew. I could feel it. That hurt because they took a private moment and made it public which made me feel like a total fool.

My husband didn’t have to tell anybody he chose to any made it worse because of that. Now I feel resentment toward him because of it. All they did was push me deeper down the rabbit hole. So here I sit being honest in a public blog where anybody can read my private thoughts. Everybody’s gone back to their lives and I continue to contemplate my death in secrecy. I hate the lies and games that are played in this family. I’m tired of being everybody’s scapegoat, the joke of the family, the idiot, the fool that always ends up being right in the long run but nobody admits it because her to proud to admit that they are smarter than a fool. So I put on my happy face like I always do and typed secretly when no one is around to plot my death and make sure that I get away with it this time. I have cried for help for the very last time. I will continue to cry deal with my feelings privately and on my own so no one can make me feel worse than I already do.

Dianne Pateman, the woman I grew up believing was my mother, is actually the cause of all of this. Narcissism and her covert destruction of her own family and my family to lead me down the rabbit hole so many times it means nothing to me anymore. Finally ready to accept that I will never get rid of all the negative brainwashing that she programmed into me as a child. I will never fulfill my childhood dream of being wealthy simply because I was born poor and like Dianne says, “poor girls don’t cross to the other side of the tracks.” While I proved Dianne wrong only to find out the people on this side of the tracks are just as abusive is what I walked away from. What I didn’t know was that you can run from the physical life with the brainwashing and the negative programming follows you forever. I’ve tried therapy to get it out of my head so I can have a better life. I worked hard to suppress it during the years that I was a mom so that I could be a good mom and my kids wouldn’t have to suffer like I do. One out of two is not bad. I don’t think I ever really expected to have anything in life because everything I had as a child was taken away from me and it made me happy. I’ve been wanting to commit suicide since I was 12 because I see no point in my life. I can’t seem to achieve my goals without somebody step in and the way to stop me and I’m tired of fighting it. One thing that meant everything to me what stop the poverty in my family improved the poor girls can be rich. Too bad I never learned how to do that. But it doesn’t matter anymore because like everything I’ve tried in life my life is an encyclopedia of how to fail at everything.

I hate small victories because they are so temporary and they remind me of what a loser I am. Small victories mean nothing to me because they lead nowhere. I hate the fact that I’m a magnet brass holes I have no friends and people in my life are only there did use me until I’ve got nothing left to give. That’s when the real assholes start kicking me when I’m down to reinforce what a minority feeling and drain my energy further. Some going to make a bucket list of the things I want to accomplish in two years. Nothing fantastic or amazing. Just small victories and meaningless tokens of my life to kill time before I kill me. After the embarrassment of this last weekend I have decided to keep my mouth shut about this and want my death in secret so no one can stop me. I give them what they want on the outside while I figure out how I’m going to end this on the inside. Only the note directing him to this blog so they can understand what happened and why. But nobody’s goodness stop me, not this time.

This battle will be over for good soon and there won't be any winners this time

I'm thinking about ending my life. I know I can get away with it this time because no one cares about me. My pain is invisible and it always has been because the people in my life only care about themselves and don't stop to think how their selfish actions impact other people. I cry my heart out and noone is there to comfort me or make me feel better. No one puts their arm around me. All I get is bashed for crying and being weak. Told to grow up and get over myself. All that does is reinforce my self destructive feelings and push me closer to suicide. Assholes like that are not helping people like me at all. They are responsible for pushing us over the edge. How fucking stupid can people be?

I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. My mistake was in fighting to prove I do belong only to end up right back here feeling lonely and unwanted. If I swallowed a bottle of pills right now my husband would wake up to find himself a widower. I could get away with it this time because he would not wake up until it was too late. My death would make a lot of people very happy. Including me.
It's the only way I can have peace in my life and stop this pain.
I cannot feel anything right now. I am so dead inside. I'm disillusioned and I'm tired of fighting these demons my mother gave me. I'm tired of being angry and hating the world for treating me so badly. For lying to me and making an ass out of me just because I am different and I chose to see the positive side of life before I give in to haters. I'm sick of people that don't know me passing judgement on my because lies told by those who sought to destroy me.
I'm tired of being bled dry emotionally by users and those who have no clue what real love is. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder wondering when the next bomb will drop on me. The world is right. I am a joke. I am worthless and a loser. I will never fit in. I have no friends. People just use me, abuse me and then walk away and ignore me until they want something again.
I have no value to anyone. I know that. I have finally accepted that no one will ever give a damn about me because that's what I have been brainwashed to attract into my life. I am a fool for fighting this. It's permanent because the bitch got me when I was a baby. What could a child ever do to make a parent want to harm them or see them dead, or destroyed?

It doesn't matter how my brothers or parents will feel about my death. I am sure they will be very happy to find out I am gone for good. I have no relationship with my grandchildren and my kids don't trust me not to hurt them so I am sure my death will relieve any pressure there. Rachele is off on her big adventure in the rich man's world and she treats me like dirt now. I don't like being reminded that I am stupid. I'm tired of fighting that too, I think it's time to accept the truth and end my life now so I don't have to suffer any more. It's the only way to make the pain stop. I will never be free of abusive people until I am dead. That is the only way I can have peace. I've known that all my life. I hate myself and I cannot accept who I am. I am tired of fighting it and I can't runaway anymore. I'm a loser and a fool just like my mother said I was. I'm never going to be rich because I will always attract dream stealers like my mother to make sure I never rise above my birthright. There is no reason for me to live anymore. I have no purpose left in life. I'm stuck in a marriage I hate. Nothing is going right for me. I work my ass off only to find out I've wasted my time. No one respects me no matter how hard I try. It's time to accept the truth about myself and put an end to this joke of a life once and for all. I'm never going to succeed at anything because I am brainwashed to fuck it up and fail. So why bother.

My marriage is a farce. My husband is no better than my mother or brothers. The only time he wants to spend time with me is when he wants something. Its never for no reason. There's always an agenda like, sex or dinner company. Other than that I have been living like a single woman my entire marriage because my husband has little time for me. I can't trust him. He lies like a fucking sociopath and he fucks around on me. I don't want to be married to that. I hate living in a world I can't trust. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in wishing someone would love me for real. Settling for the scraps and being treated like a joke. Being blown off like a worthless piece of shit. Getting bashed for caring about my loved ones. I'm sick of it all. The world is morally bankrupt anyway and I don't want to live in it. There is only one place for someone like me. The grave.